love

I'm learning.  Things are not perfect.  Things don't always run smoothly.  Time isn't always on our side.  I'm ok with that.  I really am.  I'm a foster mom.  I have to be ok with that (or at least try to be).  It's important for kids to spend time with family.  Our two kiddos are the same.  Matching up times and schedules can be a true task when it comes to visitations.  Sometimes it's not the most convenient.  Sometimes it will mess with bedtime routines, but life will carry on.  It's important.  You have to make it work. It's easy for myself to get a little...well...un-excited to shuttle the 40 minute drive there and then back.  Then I stop.  Really?  I have my family with me every day.  EVERY DAY.  I'm blessed to have the people that surround me love me to no end and have done everything possible to make life good.  I'm blessed.  Blessed beyond belief.  I know it's only been a few weeks, but I feel like I have had so many attitude adjustments within that short time.  I feel my hands releasing the tight fists that I've had in my comfortable ride.  I'm letting go.  Little by little, I'm letting go.   I have a lot of lessons to learn.  I can't imagine how many more I will have learned when this journey ends (whatever that looks like).  I have a list of things that I hope that entails...one is spirituality.  Let's face it, when you give something up you feel almost more whole.  When we gave up the space in our house, our comfortable simple life and our freedom, we gave apart of us.  Even though that's gone, we feel like it's been filled with more than what we could have ever imagined.  We feel more of a purpose, like we could make a difference in this huge world.  One child at a time.  I feel like I have no choice but to cling to God more.  To seek wisdom, to ask for patients, to give me peace and understanding.
We are still in the very beginning.  The "honeymoon" stage if you will.  I will enjoy it.  I will enjoy the happiness and the laughter I witness daily.  I know there will be many uphill battles, roller coasters, ups and downs, but I know that love will prevail.  Why?  I know that love wins.  It doesn't fail.  Thank you Jesus!

princess time.

When the kids all arrived home from school, I was informed that it was princess time.  I welcomed that.  In fact, I don't think I could wipe the smile off my face even if I tried. After they put on their princess dresses, and twirled until they couldn't twirl anymore, it was time for pictures.  Perfect light, and perfect models.  My little princess isn't to fond of the camera, which is a bummer since I do LOVE photography so much.  My new little princess however, doesn't mind one bit that I stick the camera in her face, and pose her in every way.  I love it.  I know miss B will like it too one day (I hope).  While the guys worked on a project for the house, us girls celebrated being girly.  I loved it.  I loved it SO much.  Sometimes love takes you off guard.  My heart warms and grows everyday for these kids.  I am so thankful for them.  For the time that we have together, regardless how long or short it will be.  I'm thankful that my daughter will forever have her new siblings.  What a journey.

I'm loving it.  

The first week.

I don't think I could have ever been 100% prepared for this journey.  Despite the many hours of training and multiple resources, there's nothing like just diving in, learning while you go.  That's when you really learn.  That's when it becomes real. Here's been my journey so far..

Emotions.  We all have them.  Mine this past week have been on one wild ride.  I never imagined it being so hard for me.  I've always thought of myself as a really caring person who likes to help.  That's why we wanted to do this in the first place.  We wanted to make a difference.  I was prepared for the children to have a hard time, not me.  Not the adult.  The child who had been ripped out of their familiar place, from familiar people, yes.  

They arrived in the afternoon.  They were shy, but so sweet.  They came right in our house and started to play with my daughter.  Later that day they would meet Kaleb.  We ate pizza, and played a few games in the yard.  We had fun.  Shared a few laughs and then got ready for bed.  I was worried about bedtime.  A lot of times structure isn't part of their routine.  We like structure, but aren't afraid of change and a little chaos.  I think that helps us.  After we tucked everyone in bed we went downstairs to catch our breath.  Our two new kiddos wore us out.  Emotionally and physically.  We were ready to sit. Do nothing.  Maybe stare at each other...and hold hands.  Crazy stuff I know.  We heard one set of foot prints...then two.  We went and checked in on them.  They had to go to the bathroom.  Of course.  All kids do not go in their diaper still (thankfully!). They do use the bathroom.  Ok, I can remember that one.  Simple right?  right.  Potty breaks were done. I check in the rooms one last time...wait where is the first one?  Is that someone in the bathroom again?  Yes.  Ok, back to bed, GOODNIGHT...wait who just went in the bathroom? Really? Potty again?  Little did I know that you have to set limits to the bathroom.  I'm use to begging my little on to sit on the potty, this other way is so foreign to me!  After about 4 potty breaks and many prompts to lay down in bed they were out.  Sleeping!  There was a few tears involved, but nothing like what I had dreamed it would be like. 

 The next day we visited their school and had a few appointments.  On the way to the appointment the oldest one informs me he has to go to the bathroom.  I said they'd have to hold it until we get there.  The younger one then informed that he already pooped his pants.  WHAT?! NO.  This can't be happening!  Then she told me again, "He took a dump in his pants."  Yes, those were her exact words.  No beating around the bush here folks.  Thankfully it was a false alarm.  What a relief!  PHEW!

Now, here is where I come in.  Imagine this whole story going on, but when the kids weren't looking I was crying.  Crying? Yes.  Crying.  I was afraid I ruined our family.  I loved the 3 of us.  To think that was over was really hard for me to accept.  I didn't sign up for "older" kids...I just really wanted a baby.  Now I'm taking kids to school?  WHAT?  I'm pretty sure I convinced myself more times than I would like to admit that it was all a big mistake.  I looked and focused in on almost EVERY single thing that we wouldn't be able to do anymore.  No more impromptu trips, visits to family, nights out, traveling for work, quite time, nap time and so many more things.  

Pretty terrible huh?  Yes. It hurts my heart to think about right now.  It's been a little over a week.  A lot has happened.  A lot has changed.  Myself included.  It was a process.  I'm so thankful for my husband.  He is such a caring and loving man.  He is so patient.  He probably thought I was going off my rocker the first couple of days, but his words calmed my soul.  He helped heal my hurting heart.  We prayed.  I prayed a TON.  I felt like I was suffocating from all of the transitions.  Then there was my family.  They were wonderful.  They prayed us through every step of the way.  We wouldn't be here today if it weren't for their support.  

After one week, plus a few days I feel that I am on the beginning stages of really accepting and loving.  It's not that I wasn't before, I was, but more on the outside.  Now the love is starting to show during the hard times.  It's still overwhelming.  I'm use to just one little girl who is pretty quiet and plays by herself ( a little too well), but now we have 3 kiddos.  B has two playmates who are amazing to her.  They really have accepted her and are so gentle and kind to her. That warms my heart.  I am so thankful for that! We will continue to have many adjustments, but I have no doubt in my mind that this will change our families lives for forever!  I can't wait to see what God has planned for our family, and for our two new little ones.  They are beautiful, and they have found a place in my heart that I didn't know existed.  I can't wait to feel more of that.  I am so thankful.  Our journey continues...