take it in...

I was never good writing in her baby book.  I hate that.  I wish I was better.  But, I'm not.  So...I started this  journal for my little girl.  I got an amazing deal on this journal and I was able to customize it with my own picture and words.  I chose the words "take it in..."   

Enjoy the small things, remember the moments all the good, the bad, and the funny.  I will be able to look back someday and remember those times of her being so little.  It has been passing so quickly, so this is my time.  I share all sorts of things.  Times of laughter, tears, insightful moments, funny sayings, and deep sorrow.  It's been recorded.  At least started.  Another thing that I love about this is that other people can join me!  Kaleb is able to write to her.  He's able to give his wisdom before she has even asks for it.  I hope to be able to have other family members to be able to share their hearts in it as well.  I hope that she will treasure this as she gets older.  I can't wait to snuggle down with her and let her read through the stories, the memories, the real life.  This is the moment we have...take it in.

love

I'm learning.  Things are not perfect.  Things don't always run smoothly.  Time isn't always on our side.  I'm ok with that.  I really am.  I'm a foster mom.  I have to be ok with that (or at least try to be).  It's important for kids to spend time with family.  Our two kiddos are the same.  Matching up times and schedules can be a true task when it comes to visitations.  Sometimes it's not the most convenient.  Sometimes it will mess with bedtime routines, but life will carry on.  It's important.  You have to make it work. It's easy for myself to get a little...well...un-excited to shuttle the 40 minute drive there and then back.  Then I stop.  Really?  I have my family with me every day.  EVERY DAY.  I'm blessed to have the people that surround me love me to no end and have done everything possible to make life good.  I'm blessed.  Blessed beyond belief.  I know it's only been a few weeks, but I feel like I have had so many attitude adjustments within that short time.  I feel my hands releasing the tight fists that I've had in my comfortable ride.  I'm letting go.  Little by little, I'm letting go.   I have a lot of lessons to learn.  I can't imagine how many more I will have learned when this journey ends (whatever that looks like).  I have a list of things that I hope that entails...one is spirituality.  Let's face it, when you give something up you feel almost more whole.  When we gave up the space in our house, our comfortable simple life and our freedom, we gave apart of us.  Even though that's gone, we feel like it's been filled with more than what we could have ever imagined.  We feel more of a purpose, like we could make a difference in this huge world.  One child at a time.  I feel like I have no choice but to cling to God more.  To seek wisdom, to ask for patients, to give me peace and understanding.
We are still in the very beginning.  The "honeymoon" stage if you will.  I will enjoy it.  I will enjoy the happiness and the laughter I witness daily.  I know there will be many uphill battles, roller coasters, ups and downs, but I know that love will prevail.  Why?  I know that love wins.  It doesn't fail.  Thank you Jesus!

princess time.

When the kids all arrived home from school, I was informed that it was princess time.  I welcomed that.  In fact, I don't think I could wipe the smile off my face even if I tried. After they put on their princess dresses, and twirled until they couldn't twirl anymore, it was time for pictures.  Perfect light, and perfect models.  My little princess isn't to fond of the camera, which is a bummer since I do LOVE photography so much.  My new little princess however, doesn't mind one bit that I stick the camera in her face, and pose her in every way.  I love it.  I know miss B will like it too one day (I hope).  While the guys worked on a project for the house, us girls celebrated being girly.  I loved it.  I loved it SO much.  Sometimes love takes you off guard.  My heart warms and grows everyday for these kids.  I am so thankful for them.  For the time that we have together, regardless how long or short it will be.  I'm thankful that my daughter will forever have her new siblings.  What a journey.

I'm loving it.  

The first week.

I don't think I could have ever been 100% prepared for this journey.  Despite the many hours of training and multiple resources, there's nothing like just diving in, learning while you go.  That's when you really learn.  That's when it becomes real. Here's been my journey so far..

Emotions.  We all have them.  Mine this past week have been on one wild ride.  I never imagined it being so hard for me.  I've always thought of myself as a really caring person who likes to help.  That's why we wanted to do this in the first place.  We wanted to make a difference.  I was prepared for the children to have a hard time, not me.  Not the adult.  The child who had been ripped out of their familiar place, from familiar people, yes.  

They arrived in the afternoon.  They were shy, but so sweet.  They came right in our house and started to play with my daughter.  Later that day they would meet Kaleb.  We ate pizza, and played a few games in the yard.  We had fun.  Shared a few laughs and then got ready for bed.  I was worried about bedtime.  A lot of times structure isn't part of their routine.  We like structure, but aren't afraid of change and a little chaos.  I think that helps us.  After we tucked everyone in bed we went downstairs to catch our breath.  Our two new kiddos wore us out.  Emotionally and physically.  We were ready to sit. Do nothing.  Maybe stare at each other...and hold hands.  Crazy stuff I know.  We heard one set of foot prints...then two.  We went and checked in on them.  They had to go to the bathroom.  Of course.  All kids do not go in their diaper still (thankfully!). They do use the bathroom.  Ok, I can remember that one.  Simple right?  right.  Potty breaks were done. I check in the rooms one last time...wait where is the first one?  Is that someone in the bathroom again?  Yes.  Ok, back to bed, GOODNIGHT...wait who just went in the bathroom? Really? Potty again?  Little did I know that you have to set limits to the bathroom.  I'm use to begging my little on to sit on the potty, this other way is so foreign to me!  After about 4 potty breaks and many prompts to lay down in bed they were out.  Sleeping!  There was a few tears involved, but nothing like what I had dreamed it would be like. 

 The next day we visited their school and had a few appointments.  On the way to the appointment the oldest one informs me he has to go to the bathroom.  I said they'd have to hold it until we get there.  The younger one then informed that he already pooped his pants.  WHAT?! NO.  This can't be happening!  Then she told me again, "He took a dump in his pants."  Yes, those were her exact words.  No beating around the bush here folks.  Thankfully it was a false alarm.  What a relief!  PHEW!

Now, here is where I come in.  Imagine this whole story going on, but when the kids weren't looking I was crying.  Crying? Yes.  Crying.  I was afraid I ruined our family.  I loved the 3 of us.  To think that was over was really hard for me to accept.  I didn't sign up for "older" kids...I just really wanted a baby.  Now I'm taking kids to school?  WHAT?  I'm pretty sure I convinced myself more times than I would like to admit that it was all a big mistake.  I looked and focused in on almost EVERY single thing that we wouldn't be able to do anymore.  No more impromptu trips, visits to family, nights out, traveling for work, quite time, nap time and so many more things.  

Pretty terrible huh?  Yes. It hurts my heart to think about right now.  It's been a little over a week.  A lot has happened.  A lot has changed.  Myself included.  It was a process.  I'm so thankful for my husband.  He is such a caring and loving man.  He is so patient.  He probably thought I was going off my rocker the first couple of days, but his words calmed my soul.  He helped heal my hurting heart.  We prayed.  I prayed a TON.  I felt like I was suffocating from all of the transitions.  Then there was my family.  They were wonderful.  They prayed us through every step of the way.  We wouldn't be here today if it weren't for their support.  

After one week, plus a few days I feel that I am on the beginning stages of really accepting and loving.  It's not that I wasn't before, I was, but more on the outside.  Now the love is starting to show during the hard times.  It's still overwhelming.  I'm use to just one little girl who is pretty quiet and plays by herself ( a little too well), but now we have 3 kiddos.  B has two playmates who are amazing to her.  They really have accepted her and are so gentle and kind to her. That warms my heart.  I am so thankful for that! We will continue to have many adjustments, but I have no doubt in my mind that this will change our families lives for forever!  I can't wait to see what God has planned for our family, and for our two new little ones.  They are beautiful, and they have found a place in my heart that I didn't know existed.  I can't wait to feel more of that.  I am so thankful.  Our journey continues...

a change of plans...

This past month has brought a HUGE range of emotions to our family.  Let me start by saying we can't wait to have our family grow.  At the same time we feel a huge burden to all of the kids that aren't able to be with their own mom's and dad's for whatever reason.  We have been licensed foster parents for a few months now.  We have been waiting.  Waiting for a phone call.  Then, out of the blue we had a new opportunity literally almost fall in our laps.  It was a baby.  A new precious, unborn baby.  There's so many stories that lye with this...too many to tell.  After weeks of considering, praying and thinking we decided to start to get paperwork and official meetings started.  As soon as it started...it ended.  We weren't bitter.  Sad, yes, but that's ok.  We were so excited.  However, we understand.  We too are parents.  We witnessed the beautiful creation of a child before our eyes.  We get it.  Now we have a change of plans...and we can't wait!

Our hearts feel so many emotions.  Excitement, anxiousness, scared, determination, terrified, love, hope, and peace.  It isn't what we planned.  It is stretching us out of our comfort zone.  More than what we were already at.  We will be growing as a family.  A lot sooner than what we had thought. With more than we thought.  In a few short days we will be welcoming two new kiddos into our home.  My heart aches for them.  For the many separations that they have faced way too young.  Too much life in too short of time.  I can't wait to welcome them into our home.  To give them a place to seek refuge, rest and growth.  I pray for their parents.  I pray that they will become a better person, as we all need to become more of.  

We have started to plan and prepare.  I don't think we will ever be really ready.  A bunk bed has been set up, kiddo blankets have been picked out and room arrangements changed around.  This will be an adjustment.  We have a 3 year old, and we will be sending two kids off to school for our first time, and they won't be our own.  I'm nervous about the transition.  School starts in a few short days, and we will be welcoming them in our home in just a few short days too.  That's a lot.  That's a lot of change for everyone.  That's a TON of change for them!  Until then, I will continue to run around like crazy and prepare. Organizing our house to fit 5.  5.  Yes, I said 5.  

it's only the beginning

It was quiet time.  Miss B was reading books to herself on the couch across the room, while I was doing some work on the computer.  I checked my email as I usually do, only to delete junk...but noticed one from our case manager. I opened it only to see CONGRATULATIONS on it.  When I read those words my heart leaped. I immediately started to cry.  Ugly cry.  Poor B thought I was hurt and came over and asked "Mommy ok?  Mommy hurt?" I told her that I was happy.  Poor thing probably thought I was loosing it.  

After 6 months of paperwork, meetings, appointments and evaluations WE ARE DONE!  I realize that this is really just the beginning.  We've been setting the stage, a prelude if you will, to a new grand adventure.  My emotions have been wild at times.  I love the 3 of us.  I love just having my "baby."  I love the simplicity that I've come to know with the love that surrounds me everyday.  Then I watch my daughter.  She has such a loving and caring soul.  She is meant to be a sister...whether if it's for forever, or just a few days.  She will be awesome.  

Then there's my husband.  I've never known a man to love as much and as deeply as he does.  He takes time.  He encourages, challenges and brings so much laughter into our home.  Between him and Miss B there is never a dull moment.  They constantly are laughing and playing with each other, and scheming what to do next.  

I don't know if you can ever be fully ready for this next step...but I feel that we are close.  As close as we can be.   

Trying to prepare for a foster child is difficult.  You have no idea what age you might be placed with, gender, background, preferences, routines...nothing.  Although we decided to only take in newborns-4 yrs, that age range is huge as far as levels go.  Thankfully we are pretty set for those ages from Miss B still.  I know when we get our first placement we will be scrambling to come up with last minute things.  It's expected.  We are prepared for that.  

Until that time we wait.  Prepare. Pray.  It breaks my heart to think of the reasons why a child will be placed with us.  It's become even more real these last few days.  I eagerly await a phone call...but am thankful that we haven't received one at the same time.  There will be brokenness.  I will not fully understand, nor will I ever.  We will be there to weep along side, pick up shattered pieces with and [hopefully] find the beauty in life again.  

For now I will enjoy just us.  While we're ready to open our arms, we're not afraid of being patient.  

Until then I will enjoy the fact that I have energy to stay up late folding laundry and browsing brilliant ideas on Pinterest.  I will enjoy sleeping full nights, waking up feeling rested, and knowing that my day will be pretty predictable.  I will enjoy the sound of my snoring husband and funky smells coming from my dog...oh wait.  Scratch that.  She's out of here.  

Until next time...

Grace & Peace

A New Chapter

It's amazing how life can change so quickly.  I am thankful for new opportunities and  for having the support to do just that.   I started a new chapter.  I started a job.  I was so lucky to have been able to stay home for two years with my little girl.  I got a call out of the blue.  I wasn't searching.  Didn't have any plans to start working.  But about one week later I started.  In that time I was able to find B the best care and try to prepare myself as much as possible.  It was hard.  I never could have imagined the emotions.  Ever.  A few of the biggest things for me to think about was 1. having B be around kids her age and learn in a structured environment and 2.  putting her adorable, sweet and beautiful artwork on our fridge. That last one...really got me through a few hard times.  My daughter is resilient.  Smart.  Independent. Stubborn.  She's not afraid of changes.  In fact I think she thrives off them.  She never cried.  never once.  But this mamma did.  A lot.  The first day wasn't as bad as I thought, thankfully.  I enjoy my job, and I love being a mommy.

On a separate note...
My brother was kind enough to take miss B and I out into a park and snap a few (or a lot) of pictures this fall.  I love these photos.  I will cherish them for forever.  I am always disappointed how I am always behind the camera and not in front of it.  I'm trying to change that.  Ladies, snag someone to take pictures of you and your kiddos in a fun outing.  So worth it.  Here's my start.  I'm in love...

She gives the best squeezes

oh those kisses

She's such a big girl...growing so fast.  Everyday.  

This is how most of our pictures taken turn out...B is not a fan.  

This is reality.  haha...

I am so excited for June 6th.  That will be the last day of my job for the summer...then it's me and my girl and...hopefully a new addition. 

Grace & Peace