6 months and counting

It has been almost six months.  6 months months of learning, grieving, laughing, and plain old not understanding.  These two kiddos have been through a lot.  I feel like I'm barely beginning to understand.  As a mom, I feel rage sometimes.  A rage that wants to protect, heal, and shelter.  I would do anything to keep these "babies" safe.  Give them everything to make sure their future has no limits. But I can't.  Or at least I feel like I can't.  These past 6 months we have dreamed with them.  We have showed them.  We have learned with them.  There's so many things you want to cram in.  It's like taking a normal 18 years of impact you have (ideally) in your child's life, and cramming it into 6.  How do you encourage a little boy that you can't be a cheetah when you grow up, but you CAN be someone who inspires people to over come obstacles, no matter how big or small.  How do you tell a little girl that she doesn't just have to end up working at a fast food joint, that there are little babies that need to be held and taken care of and that she would be a perfect nurse for those babies?  How do you teach them everything you know about God, with hopes that it will stay with them for the rest of their lives?  How do you love them passionately, only knowing that the chapter that you share together, is soon drawing to an end?  How can I continue to want to make a difference, when all I see is defeat and hopelessness in the end?  With just one hug.  That's how.  Or the "I love you Chrissy."  Or the sweet kiss on the cheek.  Or the giggle from a tickle erasing the pained expression of grief.  I know I have made a difference in their lives.  I know our family will always be in their heart, even if someday they may forget.  Who knows, maybe the battle of eating healthy food will pay off someday.  Maybe when they sit down with their family to eat, they will hold hands and pray, giving thanks, just like we do.  Our time together has not ended yet.  I am very thankful to have them for a few more months.  These kids are magical.  They are naughty.  They are silly.  They are just plain wonderful.

I know I can't control their lives, or their futures.  But, I'm so thankful for a God that can continue to be with these kids, long after they are out from under our roof.   I'm thankful that he gives me patients, and love, even when I'm convinced that there isn't any left.  

Here's to our first 6 months as a family of 5.  Although it's not forever, it will forever be apart of us.

The first week.

I don't think I could have ever been 100% prepared for this journey.  Despite the many hours of training and multiple resources, there's nothing like just diving in, learning while you go.  That's when you really learn.  That's when it becomes real. Here's been my journey so far..

Emotions.  We all have them.  Mine this past week have been on one wild ride.  I never imagined it being so hard for me.  I've always thought of myself as a really caring person who likes to help.  That's why we wanted to do this in the first place.  We wanted to make a difference.  I was prepared for the children to have a hard time, not me.  Not the adult.  The child who had been ripped out of their familiar place, from familiar people, yes.  

They arrived in the afternoon.  They were shy, but so sweet.  They came right in our house and started to play with my daughter.  Later that day they would meet Kaleb.  We ate pizza, and played a few games in the yard.  We had fun.  Shared a few laughs and then got ready for bed.  I was worried about bedtime.  A lot of times structure isn't part of their routine.  We like structure, but aren't afraid of change and a little chaos.  I think that helps us.  After we tucked everyone in bed we went downstairs to catch our breath.  Our two new kiddos wore us out.  Emotionally and physically.  We were ready to sit. Do nothing.  Maybe stare at each other...and hold hands.  Crazy stuff I know.  We heard one set of foot prints...then two.  We went and checked in on them.  They had to go to the bathroom.  Of course.  All kids do not go in their diaper still (thankfully!). They do use the bathroom.  Ok, I can remember that one.  Simple right?  right.  Potty breaks were done. I check in the rooms one last time...wait where is the first one?  Is that someone in the bathroom again?  Yes.  Ok, back to bed, GOODNIGHT...wait who just went in the bathroom? Really? Potty again?  Little did I know that you have to set limits to the bathroom.  I'm use to begging my little on to sit on the potty, this other way is so foreign to me!  After about 4 potty breaks and many prompts to lay down in bed they were out.  Sleeping!  There was a few tears involved, but nothing like what I had dreamed it would be like. 

 The next day we visited their school and had a few appointments.  On the way to the appointment the oldest one informs me he has to go to the bathroom.  I said they'd have to hold it until we get there.  The younger one then informed that he already pooped his pants.  WHAT?! NO.  This can't be happening!  Then she told me again, "He took a dump in his pants."  Yes, those were her exact words.  No beating around the bush here folks.  Thankfully it was a false alarm.  What a relief!  PHEW!

Now, here is where I come in.  Imagine this whole story going on, but when the kids weren't looking I was crying.  Crying? Yes.  Crying.  I was afraid I ruined our family.  I loved the 3 of us.  To think that was over was really hard for me to accept.  I didn't sign up for "older" kids...I just really wanted a baby.  Now I'm taking kids to school?  WHAT?  I'm pretty sure I convinced myself more times than I would like to admit that it was all a big mistake.  I looked and focused in on almost EVERY single thing that we wouldn't be able to do anymore.  No more impromptu trips, visits to family, nights out, traveling for work, quite time, nap time and so many more things.  

Pretty terrible huh?  Yes. It hurts my heart to think about right now.  It's been a little over a week.  A lot has happened.  A lot has changed.  Myself included.  It was a process.  I'm so thankful for my husband.  He is such a caring and loving man.  He is so patient.  He probably thought I was going off my rocker the first couple of days, but his words calmed my soul.  He helped heal my hurting heart.  We prayed.  I prayed a TON.  I felt like I was suffocating from all of the transitions.  Then there was my family.  They were wonderful.  They prayed us through every step of the way.  We wouldn't be here today if it weren't for their support.  

After one week, plus a few days I feel that I am on the beginning stages of really accepting and loving.  It's not that I wasn't before, I was, but more on the outside.  Now the love is starting to show during the hard times.  It's still overwhelming.  I'm use to just one little girl who is pretty quiet and plays by herself ( a little too well), but now we have 3 kiddos.  B has two playmates who are amazing to her.  They really have accepted her and are so gentle and kind to her. That warms my heart.  I am so thankful for that! We will continue to have many adjustments, but I have no doubt in my mind that this will change our families lives for forever!  I can't wait to see what God has planned for our family, and for our two new little ones.  They are beautiful, and they have found a place in my heart that I didn't know existed.  I can't wait to feel more of that.  I am so thankful.  Our journey continues...