6 months and counting

It has been almost six months.  6 months months of learning, grieving, laughing, and plain old not understanding.  These two kiddos have been through a lot.  I feel like I'm barely beginning to understand.  As a mom, I feel rage sometimes.  A rage that wants to protect, heal, and shelter.  I would do anything to keep these "babies" safe.  Give them everything to make sure their future has no limits. But I can't.  Or at least I feel like I can't.  These past 6 months we have dreamed with them.  We have showed them.  We have learned with them.  There's so many things you want to cram in.  It's like taking a normal 18 years of impact you have (ideally) in your child's life, and cramming it into 6.  How do you encourage a little boy that you can't be a cheetah when you grow up, but you CAN be someone who inspires people to over come obstacles, no matter how big or small.  How do you tell a little girl that she doesn't just have to end up working at a fast food joint, that there are little babies that need to be held and taken care of and that she would be a perfect nurse for those babies?  How do you teach them everything you know about God, with hopes that it will stay with them for the rest of their lives?  How do you love them passionately, only knowing that the chapter that you share together, is soon drawing to an end?  How can I continue to want to make a difference, when all I see is defeat and hopelessness in the end?  With just one hug.  That's how.  Or the "I love you Chrissy."  Or the sweet kiss on the cheek.  Or the giggle from a tickle erasing the pained expression of grief.  I know I have made a difference in their lives.  I know our family will always be in their heart, even if someday they may forget.  Who knows, maybe the battle of eating healthy food will pay off someday.  Maybe when they sit down with their family to eat, they will hold hands and pray, giving thanks, just like we do.  Our time together has not ended yet.  I am very thankful to have them for a few more months.  These kids are magical.  They are naughty.  They are silly.  They are just plain wonderful.

I know I can't control their lives, or their futures.  But, I'm so thankful for a God that can continue to be with these kids, long after they are out from under our roof.   I'm thankful that he gives me patients, and love, even when I'm convinced that there isn't any left.  

Here's to our first 6 months as a family of 5.  Although it's not forever, it will forever be apart of us.

it's only the beginning

It was quiet time.  Miss B was reading books to herself on the couch across the room, while I was doing some work on the computer.  I checked my email as I usually do, only to delete junk...but noticed one from our case manager. I opened it only to see CONGRATULATIONS on it.  When I read those words my heart leaped. I immediately started to cry.  Ugly cry.  Poor B thought I was hurt and came over and asked "Mommy ok?  Mommy hurt?" I told her that I was happy.  Poor thing probably thought I was loosing it.  

After 6 months of paperwork, meetings, appointments and evaluations WE ARE DONE!  I realize that this is really just the beginning.  We've been setting the stage, a prelude if you will, to a new grand adventure.  My emotions have been wild at times.  I love the 3 of us.  I love just having my "baby."  I love the simplicity that I've come to know with the love that surrounds me everyday.  Then I watch my daughter.  She has such a loving and caring soul.  She is meant to be a sister...whether if it's for forever, or just a few days.  She will be awesome.  

Then there's my husband.  I've never known a man to love as much and as deeply as he does.  He takes time.  He encourages, challenges and brings so much laughter into our home.  Between him and Miss B there is never a dull moment.  They constantly are laughing and playing with each other, and scheming what to do next.  

I don't know if you can ever be fully ready for this next step...but I feel that we are close.  As close as we can be.   

Trying to prepare for a foster child is difficult.  You have no idea what age you might be placed with, gender, background, preferences, routines...nothing.  Although we decided to only take in newborns-4 yrs, that age range is huge as far as levels go.  Thankfully we are pretty set for those ages from Miss B still.  I know when we get our first placement we will be scrambling to come up with last minute things.  It's expected.  We are prepared for that.  

Until that time we wait.  Prepare. Pray.  It breaks my heart to think of the reasons why a child will be placed with us.  It's become even more real these last few days.  I eagerly await a phone call...but am thankful that we haven't received one at the same time.  There will be brokenness.  I will not fully understand, nor will I ever.  We will be there to weep along side, pick up shattered pieces with and [hopefully] find the beauty in life again.  

For now I will enjoy just us.  While we're ready to open our arms, we're not afraid of being patient.  

Until then I will enjoy the fact that I have energy to stay up late folding laundry and browsing brilliant ideas on Pinterest.  I will enjoy sleeping full nights, waking up feeling rested, and knowing that my day will be pretty predictable.  I will enjoy the sound of my snoring husband and funky smells coming from my dog...oh wait.  Scratch that.  She's out of here.  

Until next time...

Grace & Peace